Saturday, February 2, 2013

Low-Cal Super Bowl Eatz for Ya Girl

When the holiday season rolls around, everyone's always making a big fuss over how so many people miss "the true meaning of Christmas." Well, Christmas isn't the only holiday ruined by having the wrong attitude. Maybe it's because I follow so many diet-related accounts on Twitter and Pinterest, but lately so many people seem to be missing the true meaning of the Super Bowl. This is NOT a day that we are meant to fuss over counting calories or pat the grease off of pizza with a paper towel or wear restrictive clothing of any type. This is an American tradition, arguably as much as Christmastime. So do it right!!! Lounge on the couch/recliner/barstool (except, of course, when you rise & thrust your arms in the air to yell "TOUCHDOWN!"), eat satisfying quantities of delicious foods, laugh whenever Ray Lewis starts dancing, and comment on how insane Jim Harbaugh gets after every penalty. I'm sick and tired of reading articles like the following:

The Big Game is tomorrow, but since you're a lady type, nobody expects you to actually pay attention to the football part. You'll be watching for the funny commercials, the opportunity to bask in Beyoncé's glory for 20 minutes, and, of course, to get attention from your bf and his friends even though there's a chance--like last year--you'll drive them insane because Chad went to school with the quarterback of the red team and wants "TO WATCH THE DAMN GAME SO SHUT UP, CHARLOTTE!" Most of the country will be planning their Super Bowl parties based on this philosophy: "What goes better with capitalism, pop music, and watching grown men pummel each other than saturated fat?" UH-OH! You gotta stay slim, sweetie, or else your bestie will start dropping hints about the muffin top peeking over your True Religions! (Don't want the club manager Alessondra to spread nasty rumors that you're preggers again either.) Luckily I've got a few tips on how to make healthy, low-cal/low-fat/low-carb, high-protein, high-fiber, omega 3 fatty acid-rich, organic contributions to your SuperB party menu.

First things first: some of your bf's beefcake friends are bound to bring greasy, vile contraband through your door. DO NOT GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION, AT ALL COSTS. If the smell of hot wings becomes too tantalizing, if those nachos are looking extra cheesy, just: Find. The. Cheerleaders. They should be in every shot of the game, if the producers know their target audience (i.e. men who want to look at beautiful women, and women who want to envy beautiful women). Look at her abs. Does she look like she eats anything fried?! Do you think she ever uses food for "enjoyment"? Do you think she complains about her hourly meal ration of 5.5 almonds and a quart of filtered water? No, no, no. She is your inspiration. (And don't worry about the lack of beautiful women during the commercials; Kate Upton and Bar Refaeli are sure to make appearances.)

And now for some totally yummy recipes & their healthy makeovers!!!

"Bacon" & "Cheese" Wrapped "Tater Tots"

The original recipe calls for frozen tater tots, Tabasco sauce, cheddar cheese, and bacon. If you're watching your figure (Uhhh, always!), use:

10 Tater tots Organic brussel sprouts soaked in filtered water w/ a hint of lemon
1/2 teaspoon Tabasco sauce Sea salt
10 small cubes of Cheddar cheese Filtered, conditioned oxygen
10 strips of Bacon Smug satisfaction

Sprinkle sea salt over brussel sprouts, then layer with succulent oxygen. The smug satisfaction really gives it a kick of flavor, as the other girls at the party stare enviously at you for being so disciplined!

Frito Pie w/ Texas Chili

Can't deal with the jiggle that corn chips, beans, and hot sauce will inevitably add to your hips in the postseason? Check out the totally do-able substitutions I've provided:

2 pounds of ground beef
6 ancho chiles
1 onion, diced
2 teaspoons corn meal
4 cups of Fritos
1 cup of shredded cheese

Replace all ingredients with nothing. (If the bad food isn't on your plate, you won't eat it! Genius, huh?) But if you want to indulge a little, throw in a half a banana too. ;) Try not to think about all 13.5 grams of carbs you're consuming. Treat yourself, girl!

Nutella Caramel Hazelnut Brownies

This one's a toughie. These bad boys are sooo good, you'll look like Khloe K. by the end of the night if you're not careful! (And then you'll need to marry a super-sized NBA player like Lamar to make you look smaller.) Here's a foolproof formula for taming your tastebuds:

1/2 cup All-purpose flour Sand
1/3 cup Cocoa powder Coffee grounds
1 cup Sugar Tiny shards of glass
1/2 stick of Unsalted butter Staples
2 large fresh Eggs Sea urchins
1/4 cup Nutella (nobody would dare replace Nutella with anything)
Hazelnuts Rusty nails

If the brownies are physically painful to consume, you'll eat less of them. Ta-da!

Hope you enjoyed my tasty tips for this SuperB Sunday. Have fun cooing "awww, is he okayyy?" every time a player gets hurt, asking "whaaat? what's happening?" every time a referee says anything, and loudly admiring Beyoncé's physical traits, hoping that your bf will assure you that you're prettier.


*FYI: If any of the above recipes (not the parody ones, I hope) sound amazing to you, you can find them here!

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